Blank

Saturday, yesterday...

It started with a quite well morning, not too warm, only the classroom was not even half-filled. Then for the first 2 periods we were 'forced' to join another class when the teacher was supposed to be in ours. and there we go, being free labour... to help mark the papers. Sucks.

The day went on without any class conducted, 12 students in class and of course the teachers wouldn't teach. (Kinda regret for coming to school when I could have slept soundly at home.) half the class was studying while another half chatting.

I started with my add maths when I went blank. Blank, that is, I couldn't think at all. Is it because of the 'noise' of my neighbouring friend who was so confused with her exercises herself that irritated me, or was it that I had problems with my add maths? Oh my god, okay, I tried to calm myself down, calm down, calm down... Just look around, relax a bit, don't get too stressed...

Why did it suddenlyget too warm? and stuffy... I couldn't satnd it, I moved to another place to continue with my exercises. But still, my mind was blank. I thought of lying down for a while to get a little nap. But I couldn't. I was all filled up with numbers! Oh gosh... I'm so stressed... am I getting crazy? I couldn't talk, couldn't sleep, couldn't rest, couldn't breathe properly, couldn't think... I was drowning... someone, please help me...

I really don't know why, but I only felt like crying. I wanted to cry out, cry out loud, shout, scream, scrreeaammm...... but I couldn't, because I was in school. I had to control myself. I had to keep everything to myself. Nobody knew anything about it. My best friend wasn't at school, I couldn't talk to anybody. Nobody would understand what I was experiencing. and some people keep bothering me. I was getting fire on my head. Stop bothering me! Leave me alone! stay away from me and leave me alone for this time!

I really don't know what happened to me. all the while I told myself not to put so much pressure on myself. But... I was all blank. BLANK. I really didn't know what to do. what was I to do? Eat? drink? Or study more? Or maybe knock my head against the wall? This is all I can say, blank. Do you understand? Do you...

Luckily I arrived safely at home. I was still really down. Luckily my dad was there. I told him I was blank all over... couldn't fight back the tears... I let it out.. almost all out...


I need my confidence back. My dad planted it back on me. I went to the Ti-ratana center for a blessing session for spm candidates. I was glad I was there. I needed to support and confidence religiously. Hopefully I will get through this hard time smoothly.
sadhu! sadhu! sadhu!


Monday, Oct 3 2005 (01.35am)